On Caffeine

Back in my younger days, I would question anyone who dared abstain from drinking coffee. After all, these folks still had beers to drink or bong chambers to clear. Hypocrites, I thought. “They’re not staying true to the real American drugs of choice: Coffee and Diet Coke.”

Passing judgement on others comes naturally to me, but what about myself. After swilling down three “small” Diet Pepsis at Poquito Mas on Sunset yesterday, a dread overcame me – the caffeine overdose. Upon returning home, I tried to sit at my computer and work – heck, even net surf. Yet I could not sit still. My one Netflix DVD around is Notorious with Ingrid Bergmann and Carey Grant. Unable to watch it. I had to get up and move. For some reason, I thought that lying down would help. Like you can take a nap after pounding the recommended daily allowance for the entire population of Bangladesh. I think for once, I understood my inability to focus some mornings.

I have a problem with caffeine. The substance doesn’t make me wreck cars or take imaginary people hostage or think that aliens are living in my teeth. The li’l brown bugger can render me into an anxious, unable to sit down mess. I’m surprised the media hasn’t latched on to how much lost productivity has been lost to caffeine. Memories crept up of a dear college friend who would tumble into delirium during our senior year. He’d lug a thermos of the anxiety brew with him. “More kaww-feeeee!” he’d screetch and do a mad man’s dance. I’d witnessed many more incriminating and dangerous substances in his hands. However, when the friend was playing ‘feine-fiend, I thought I might have to take him to the State Hospital.

I’m not sure what the lesson is here. Give up coffee? That just seems ridiculous. Like one of those dumb things you read in Prevention Magazine or the Utne Reader: “Eat vegetables! The fiber and nutrients will help your body.” How can a vegetable have nutrients when it doesn’t have a face? I digress, but ‘feine-abstinence is taking over the Prius class. I’m going to do my best to limit myself to one anxiety spin per day.